Pornstars, Video Games And...Wait, What?
Though many of us love our virtual worlds and appreciate the engrossing and absorbing traits of those fantasy settings, we're still forced to accept reality. The second fantasy begins to bleed into our daily lives - which, incidentally, occur on this plane of existence - we start to slip. We start to hallucinate. Our brains fail to process information correctly, and we begin to lose touch with the tangible; those aspects of normal life everyone takes for granted. One of the worst things we can do is to assume that cultural divides don't exist, and then pretend we can override those barriers. E.M. Forster's "A Room With A View" portrays the idealistic yet charming romance between a woman and a man in entirely different societal circles. Obviously, this was created around the turn of the century, so you could write an entire book about this concept. Today, it ain't such a big deal.
When we were teenagers, there were days when a video game controller in one hand and the latest issue of "Hustler" in the other other was a perfect combination. I mean, let's face up to facts. At night, when we fell asleep, reveling in our recent domination of Bowser, we dreamed about the hot girl who loved video games. This is the train of thought that sparked Is The Girl Gamer A Myth? It was somewhat tongue-in-cheek - I'm well aware that there are female gamers out there - but I was simply illustrating a point. I see I need to be more specific with this point now, primarily due to another source of inspiration- some dude from GameDaily recently wandered around the AVN Adult Expo, asking the attending pornstars if they liked video games. Well, it was more of a veiled question ("do you mind if your boyfriend plays video games?) but nevertheless, the implication was there. Now, if you actually read the responses from the 14 women he asked, you'll notice a lot of blank stares and generic replies. Only one - Jenna Haze - said she's a "nerd" who brings her PSP with her wherever she goes and is currently playing Jeanne d'Arc. ...I have difficulty believing that, but with the mention of that game, it's tough to argue that she was lying.
But that's not the point. The point is, believing gorgeous sex queens are also avid gamers is a dangerous train of thought. Seriously, guys. Don't start believing such nonsense. Firstly, you must ask yourself one question- if you were that attractive, how much time would you have spent playing games in comparison to time spent scoring with chicks? All the chicks you wanted but couldn't have? In order to obtain the truth, brutal honesty is required. Secondly, we have to bear in mind that the gaming industry only recently began to cater to female gamers, and in many ways, it still doesn't. Thirdly, it's a safe bet that most pornstars probably live life in the fast lane, and putting video games in the fast lane is like putting a Pinto on the Autobahn. I love video games and always will, but again, the aforementioned cultural divide - if we can even call it that; we're all in the same "culture," after all - is vast and unbreakable. A pornstar who plays video games? That's stepping over the line. "Pornstar gamer" is an oxymoron. On the other hand...I've been wrong before.
After that "Myth" editorial I did, my inbox basically exploded with a gajillion e-mails from female gamers. It got so nutty, I was forced to issue the follow-up, Girl Gamers Speak Up, which payed homage to all those ladies who stepped up. I still say not enough of them realized the original article wasn't entirely serious (that's a hint for this one), but even so, the response was appreciated. Considering that, fantasy star-gazers, do you honestly believe my inbox will be overflowing with pornstars who love to play video games? Ah, another difficult question we dreamers would rather not answer. Here's the simple bottom line- pornstars don't play video games. No, no "buts." Stop it. They don't play video games. I'm awfully sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but our heads need to come down out of the clouds. This industry is gigantic now, and it certainly does cross many boundaries it never did before. But this is one boundary it will never cross. Sex in video games only makes sense - for a variety of reasons - but sex goddesses playing video games? Unlikely, if not impossible.
See those Maxim girls playing some games? Sweet, right? Yeah, well, a few things- 1. as hot as they are, they're not pornstars. 2. it's a photo op and nothing more; the chances of all these girls heading home to hop online with Halo 3...you know as well as I. 3. They're all wearing Maxim t-shirts; doesn't this mean they were paid to sit there with controllers in their hands? But I digress. Here's the crux of this piece: As most people take great pleasure in proving my theories wrong, I will say this- if there is a female adult entertainment star out there who actually plays video games, and she comes to us, we'll tell ya all about it. Heck, we'll even do an interview. But when that doesn't happen - heads out of clouds, soldier! - we can finally re-accept reality, yes? In the meantime, I have a very simple and logical suggestion for all my fellow 20-something gamers out there-
Play loud and proud, brandish your hobby in public as if it were a beacon of divine influence. This doesn't mean you saunter down the sidewalk in full cosplay attire, but it does mean you shouldn't hide the fact you game when approaching a particularly attractive target. You just keep fighting the good fight, m'man. And if things aren't working out too well and you're finding solace in the virtual arms of your favorite pornstar, don't let your mind wander...it may wander too far; it may take a long walk off a very short pier. Reality is often cruel and harsh, but if you ignore it, things will only get crueler and harsher. Pornstars and video games, to us, would be a combination that would make the Reese's discovery appear boring in comparison. But blending peanut butter and chocolate isn't quite the same thing as blending porn chicks and video games. Remember that.
Anyway, the dreamers are waiting, pornstars. Prove me wrong, or let the fantasy die. For our own sanity.
Disclaimer- I hate having to add these all the time, but I know I have to. Just like most of my editorials, everything is all in good fun. If you take every word literally, that's your own problem...not mine.
1/12/2008 Ben Dutka