Things That Will Happen Before DNF Arrives
So not long after George Broussard recanted his famous testimony and said that pigs are about to fly, an official spread in Game Informer drove the point home. But do you realize what we'll all have to sacrifice if Duke Nukem Forever actually releases? No more fun like this.
And therefore, in the spirit of the vaporware this game has been for 13 years, we give you the top 5 things that will happen before "Did Not Finish" actually finishes.
5. The Kansas City Royals will be crowned champions of baseball
Kevin Butler predicted it earlier and it's gonna happen, certainly well before DNF shows up on store shelves. The Royals are having another tough year, but they've got an ace up their sleeve- they're bringing Bo and George out of retirement. Brett will be the first guy since Ted Williams to hit .400 in a triumphant return, Jackson will steal 100 bases, and he'll even catch the final pop fly of the Series barehanded. Call your bookies. This is goin' down next year.
4. Activision will become the most-loved video game company
Sure, they're in the doghouse right now but they're quietly rebuilding that reputation. It'll come out that Bobby really is a hardcore gamer - he probably has a Lv. 70 Druid in WoW - and the company will start sending out surveys to gamers on a weekly basis. "What do you want?" "What can we do to serve you better?" They'll pick up the Final Fantasy series from Square-Enix, make a star-studded team comprised of Atlus, Square-Enix, and BioWare members, and give us Final Fantasy VII-2. They'll be the most beloved industry peeps evah.
3. Microsoft will make a console that works
They'll become the new Nintendo. Instead of breathing on it wrong and getting the RRoD, you could back over Microsoft's new system with your car, and it'll still do everything, including make you a sandwich and tuck you into bed. It'll do all that without failing once; no Disc Read errors, either. And if you call customer service, you won't get the Indian dude who tries to tell you to reboot your machine seven different ways; you'll get a guy who speaks English and stays on the phone for hours until you're happy. No more 33% defective rates. Just indestructible awesomeness.
2. All the hot booth babes at all the events will be hardcore gamers
Every...single...one. There won't be any hot booth chick who can only recite what they've been told. They won't be recruited entirely for the fact that they'll make a picture look good. Hell no. They'll be the biggest gamers you ever did see; they'll not only tell you all about the product in question, they'll tell you what they think. They'll compare it accurately to similar games (all of which they've played). When you tell them you beat Emerald Weapon with no materia, or that you can get the full 200.6% in Castlevania: Symphony of the Night without once looking at the map, they'll just want you. Then they'll tell all their hot friends that they should want you, too.
1. Gabe Newell will make a game for the PS3 and say it'll be the best version-
1. The ultimate game, the game that is a 10 for every gamer alive, will be made
The game doesn't exist that absolutely everyone adores. But all that is going to change. There's no knowing what it'll be but for some bizarre reason, anyone who plays it will be instantly in love. Every critic will be compelled to give it a perfect score, and every fanboy will lay down their nerd spears and happily admit that this one game is the ultimate. It will be lauded as the best ever and in fact, all game designers will be so intimidated, they'll just stop making more games. And nobody will care, because everyone will be happy playing this one game forever.
And that game...will be Duke Nukem Forever.
9/3/2010 Ben Dutka