: Things That Will Happen Before DNF Arrives

Members Login: Register | Why sign up? | Forgot Password?

Things That Will Happen Before DNF Arrives

So not long after George Broussard recanted his famous testimony and said that pigs are about to fly, an official spread in Game Informer drove the point home. But do you realize what we'll all have to sacrifice if Duke Nukem Forever actually releases? No more fun like this.

And therefore, in the spirit of the vaporware this game has been for 13 years, we give you the top 5 things that will happen before "Did Not Finish" actually finishes.

5. The Kansas City Royals will be crowned champions of baseball

Kevin Butler predicted it earlier and it's gonna happen, certainly well before DNF shows up on store shelves. The Royals are having another tough year, but they've got an ace up their sleeve- they're bringing Bo and George out of retirement. Brett will be the first guy since Ted Williams to hit .400 in a triumphant return, Jackson will steal 100 bases, and he'll even catch the final pop fly of the Series barehanded. Call your bookies. This is goin' down next year.

4. Activision will become the most-loved video game company

Sure, they're in the doghouse right now but they're quietly rebuilding that reputation. It'll come out that Bobby really is a hardcore gamer - he probably has a Lv. 70 Druid in WoW - and the company will start sending out surveys to gamers on a weekly basis. "What do you want?" "What can we do to serve you better?" They'll pick up the Final Fantasy series from Square-Enix, make a star-studded team comprised of Atlus, Square-Enix, and BioWare members, and give us Final Fantasy VII-2. They'll be the most beloved industry peeps evah.

3. Microsoft will make a console that works

They'll become the new Nintendo. Instead of breathing on it wrong and getting the RRoD, you could back over Microsoft's new system with your car, and it'll still do everything, including make you a sandwich and tuck you into bed. It'll do all that without failing once; no Disc Read errors, either. And if you call customer service, you won't get the Indian dude who tries to tell you to reboot your machine seven different ways; you'll get a guy who speaks English and stays on the phone for hours until you're happy. No more 33% defective rates. Just indestructible awesomeness.

2. All the hot booth babes at all the events will be hardcore gamers

Every...single...one. There won't be any hot booth chick who can only recite what they've been told. They won't be recruited entirely for the fact that they'll make a picture look good. Hell no. They'll be the biggest gamers you ever did see; they'll not only tell you all about the product in question, they'll tell you what they think. They'll compare it accurately to similar games (all of which they've played). When you tell them you beat Emerald Weapon with no materia, or that you can get the full 200.6% in Castlevania: Symphony of the Night without once looking at the map, they'll just want you. Then they'll tell all their hot friends that they should want you, too.

1. Gabe Newell will make a game for the PS3 and say it'll be the best version-

...wait.

Scratch that.

1. The ultimate game, the game that is a 10 for every gamer alive, will be made

The game doesn't exist that absolutely everyone adores. But all that is going to change. There's no knowing what it'll be but for some bizarre reason, anyone who plays it will be instantly in love. Every critic will be compelled to give it a perfect score, and every fanboy will lay down their nerd spears and happily admit that this one game is the ultimate. It will be lauded as the best ever and in fact, all game designers will be so intimidated, they'll just stop making more games. And nobody will care, because everyone will be happy playing this one game forever.

And that game...will be Duke Nukem Forever.

9/3/2010 Ben Dutka

Put this on your webpage or blog:
Email this to a friend
Follow PSX Extreme on Twitter

Share on Twitter Share on Facebook Share on Google Share on MySpace Share on Delicious Share on Digg Share on Google Buzz Share via E-Mail Share via Tumblr Share via Posterous

Comments (63 posts)

LegendaryWolfeh
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 9:38:39 PM
Reply

Lol, all I can say, if Duke Nukem Forever, really is finally released, it will indeed be a fav of mine, just out of sure awesome Duke-ness

Agree with this comment 5 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LimitedVertigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 6:33:54 AM

Just a heads up the open beta is available now, no more error messages from the website. I've put in several hours thus far and it's a fun experience.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LegendaryWolfeh
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 1:48:15 PM

LOL, of course, and when I get a chance to get it, it goes through maintenance, and watch I swear, when I get home from work, it's going to be suspended again.

Yep, just tried it again, still suspended. what it is is they let ppl grab them at certain times, and it's never when I'm available...ugh

Last edited by LegendaryWolfeh on 9/4/2010 1:49:18 PM

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Slick Rick
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 9:52:00 PM
Reply

I think the game u talking abt ben got 2 be uncharted 3

Agree with this comment 10 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

kevinater321
Sunday, September 05, 2010 @ 1:57:57 PM

I think the game you are talking about Ben, is most likely uncharted 3.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

WorldEndsWithMe
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 9:52:35 PM
Reply

LoL, that was a fine piece of journalism right there.

"His helmet was stifling, it narrowed his vision. And he must see far. His shield was heavy. It threw him off balance. And his target is far away."

*Lays down nerd spear*

Agree with this comment 5 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Cuetes
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:14:15 PM

*picks up nerd spear*

This is............Duke Nukem Foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Agree with this comment 6 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

frylock25
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:22:12 PM

"the 300" - When you yell "This is Sparta!" at your partner during sex and kick her in the chest.

Agree with this comment 8 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

phudge_supreemz
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:03:01 PM
Reply

Haha. I knew just from the title what number 1 would be.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Qubex
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:05:07 PM
Reply

Yes, that was a good read from Ben right there :)

Gabe is another... I guess pigs can fly, and crash and burn too...

The Nukem business is pretty cool, we will have to see how it all works out on that one. At least Gearbox has gotten into gear with the Duke... and hopefully, the results will be good for all to enjoy.

Lol, the M$ point was funny, but hey, the new slim 360 is not that bad, is it now?

Q!

"play.experience.enjoy"

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

WorldEndsWithMe
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:28:50 PM

I dunno if there are any stats, but apparently there were a lot of breakdowns or automated warning of impending shut down on the squat60 on day 1 of release.

Agree with this comment 2 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

GuardianMode
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:10:30 PM
Reply

I dont know how many bottles of Dr Pepper you drank Ben but your predictions are pure gold I tell you! Gold!!

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

WorldEndsWithMe
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:29:26 PM
Reply

But can Gabe Newell fly?

Agree with this comment 9 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

tes37
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:51:21 PM

With a big enough hill, I'm sure he could roll.

Agree with this comment 8 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Gregory Freeman
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:53:25 PM

Gabe Newell will do anything for a Klondike Bar

Agree with this comment 8 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

frylock25
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:26:21 PM

if you found a steep hill or cliff and threw said klondike bar off said cliff... Gabe Newell should fly then

Last edited by frylock25 on 9/3/2010 11:26:50 PM

Agree with this comment 8 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Gregory Freeman
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:30:25 PM

"That Isn't Flying!!?? That's Falling; With Style!!!"

Agree with this comment 8 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

WorldEndsWithMe
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 3:35:22 AM

lol, what is that from Canuck?

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Zorigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 6:04:54 AM

toy story! im almost ashamed you dont know. but i dont know how old you are, you might not have grown up with it.
its a little sad but i do think toy story is still awesome.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

WorldEndsWithMe
Monday, September 06, 2010 @ 1:09:44 AM

I'm too old to watch Toy Story.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

aaronisbla
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:33:39 PM
Reply

if only you could thumbs up an article here

Agree with this comment 11 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

darxed
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 10:54:30 PM
Reply

I just read something that happens in the demo (minor spoilers)

Duke sees a three breasted alien and says

"I'd still hit It..."

I've been waiting 15 years for this game, this is gonna be awesome!

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

tes37
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:02:10 PM
Reply

I got a good laugh from this editorial and really enjoyed reading it.

I've never played any Duke Nukem games, so I can't pretend to be excited. But if this game ever sees the light of day I will check it out.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LimitedVertigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 6:36:08 AM

Dude!!!!!!!!!!!! you need to play some Duke Nukem 3d. Just download the torrent, it's a small file and well worth it. Great gameplay and awesome level designs. And if you really want to go oldschool download the original Duke Nukem games that are side scrolling platform games.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 1 down Disagree with this comment

tes37
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 8:38:12 AM

If that's for a pc, mine is junk and won't run it.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LimitedVertigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 12:30:13 PM

Tes....Duke Nukem 3d is from the 90s, think graphics a little better than Doom2. If you're computer you have now can't run Doom2 than holy shit.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

tes37
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 2:33:39 PM

My Macintosh's ibook hdd fried and I'm unable to replace it, because it's sitting at the very tail end of a complete tear down. I don't think I could put it back together after viewing a "do it yourself" on the web.

So I bought a netbook with an Intel Atom processor. Rated at 1.6ghz, it's still not made for games. I only use a computer for online banking, surfing the web, or listening to music. So I didn't see a need to spend a lot on one. Sorry for the long reply.



Last edited by tes37 on 9/4/2010 2:37:20 PM

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LimitedVertigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 4:04:08 PM

I love your long replies.


It's available on Live but I'm going to assume you don't have a 360. (notice how badly I want you to play this game?)

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

tes37
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 5:06:31 PM

No, unfortunately they don't build 360's to my liking.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LimitedVertigo
Sunday, September 05, 2010 @ 1:27:35 AM

Ya me neither, mine died in under a year. Looking back it was a huge mistake getting one since the games I purchased it for in the 1st place let me down and I ended up playing a majority of it's "exclusives" on my PC.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Riku994
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:07:05 PM
Reply

Who's Gabe Newell?

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Gregory Freeman
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:12:21 PM

CEO of Valve. The Studio that produced Half Life, Left 4 Dead, Portal, Team Fortress 2, etc...

Until recently he was a Sonyphobe... Then all of a sudden he came out on the sony stage during E3 Praising that the best version of portal 2 will be on PS3...

So hopefully that fills you in on the joke... if you don't know Gabe Newell, you don't get the joke :)

Last edited by Gregory Freeman on 9/3/2010 11:12:55 PM

Agree with this comment 6 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

frylock25
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:30:21 PM

i think sony lured Gabe out with donuts and cheeseburgers

Agree with this comment 8 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Gregory Freeman
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:17:35 PM
Reply

Just think... If this Article was written a few years ago, a crack bout the ps3's sales, or the ps3's lack of Advertisements would have been listed here :P

Those pigs flew... But I think this pig's too obese... After all, Anything that sits for 13 years saying they're going to go on the shelf, but Don't go no where, will gain a few pounds...

Last edited by Gregory Freeman on 9/3/2010 11:19:12 PM

Agree with this comment 2 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Riku994
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:17:47 PM
Reply

Now I get the joke :P All I needed was "Valve".

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Gregory Freeman
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:20:22 PM

ah, kk glad 2 help :)

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Lawless SXE
Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 11:29:23 PM
Reply

LOL! Okay, that was great. Duke Nukem Forever. A fable of video gaming, and one that I was pleased to learn about.

But, no more news will be released on the game until E3 next year, they will announce it for release in September. Three weeks before its release, it will be banned as a result of inadvisable content. Gearbox will go back to work on it, and announce a major delay. Eventually, they will reveal that its new release date is the 22nd of December 2012. And we all know what's supposed to happen the day before that right?

BUT, I'm not finished. If the world does not end, the game will not be released as every copy was stolen from every shop in the world by some nefarious schemer. Also, the source code is gone, deleted from existence. As a result of this, each member of Gearbox commits suicide and DNF lives on in myth... To be picked up Activision Blizzard a few months later.
/insanity
Peace.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Victor321
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 12:16:32 AM
Reply

"3. Microsoft will make a console that works"

Um, they call this the 360 Slim...*points to the console with shiny glossy black exterior*

Oh wait, that's my PS3.


XD Awesome article Ben!! Full of win.

Last edited by Victor321 on 9/4/2010 12:16:57 AM

Agree with this comment 4 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

BTNwarrior
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 12:44:05 AM
Reply

Go Royals! and while I'm at it go Chiefs

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Ben Dutka PSXE [Administrator]
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 1:16:02 AM

Woah...your sports years must be filled with disappointments. ;)

Agree with this comment 5 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

WorldEndsWithMe
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 3:35:56 AM

Go Vikings! Wait, wrong sport. I hate baseball.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 1 down Disagree with this comment

Alienange
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 7:29:38 AM

Go Expos! Wait, we all hated baseball...

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LimitedVertigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 12:32:00 PM

My best friend is a Phoenix Suns, Buffalo Bills, and Chicago Cubs fan. Pretty pathetic when out of the teams you love the one that won a championship last was the Cubs.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Sancho
Monday, September 06, 2010 @ 7:22:49 AM

I'm sorry I'm late to this party, but when they first aired the Kevin Butler commercial "from the future" and he said that my hometown baseball team the Royals were going to win the world series I almost pissed myself with laughter.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Scarecrow
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 1:39:03 AM
Reply

The Royals!

lol, that and the Activision one were the best :D

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

___________
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 2:46:36 AM
Reply

sigh, how many times do i have to correct you on that?
HE DID NOT SAY THE PS3 VERSION WOULD BE THE BEST VERSION, HE SAID IT WILL BE THE BEST CONSOLE VERSION!
GOD!

so excited to see DNF finally coming out though, just one question.
if the games already finished, than why wait till next year to release it?

Agree with this comment 0 up, 10 down Disagree with this comment

Lawless SXE
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 3:27:20 AM

Maybe Ben just didn't want to finish his sentence. The dash indicates that to me. 'best version available on consoles.' Anal much?

And who the hell said that DNF is finished? If the levels are indeed finished, then it's probably in alpha. It's called adding polish and stabilising the game. Something you should know about given how often you complain about it. Eh, I couldn't be bothered.
Peace.

Agree with this comment 7 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

___________
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 8:47:42 AM

CVG reported its complete, development is finished.
if development is finished that means the game is done, there finished creating and polishing the game and are just waiting till next year for release.
if your still polishing your game, than its not complete now is it?

Agree with this comment 0 up, 6 down Disagree with this comment

tes37
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 9:16:07 AM

Do you mean to sound like a spoiled brat? Why do you feel like you need to speak to Ben that way?

Agree with this comment 7 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Ben Dutka PSXE [Administrator]
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 10:26:19 AM

I've long since stopped reading that guy's Comments. Dude clearly needs medication.

Agree with this comment 10 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

WolfCrimson
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 3:54:28 AM
Reply

LMAO, amazingly funny editorial Ben!! I loved how you started mentioning Gabe and then took back your words, so full of win.

And apparently the comments section is full of win too!

Agree with this comment 2 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Zorigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 5:16:00 AM
Reply

Duke nukem was already released... doesn't anyone remember Yahtzee's review of it on Zero Punctuation?

Agree with this comment 2 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

LimitedVertigo
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 6:36:42 AM
Reply

I'm buying this game when it comes out, period.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Alienange
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 7:36:54 AM
Reply

Damn. That's an article for the history books. Freakin ' hilarious.

Except the part about FFVII-2. I would lick Bobbys shoes clean for a year if he put that team together and had them make FFVII-2.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Benzin
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 8:49:38 AM
Reply

Well, all I know is dnf is gonna be awesome.

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Ultimate_Balla
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 12:02:11 PM
Reply

LOL! Crazy!

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

just2skillf00l
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 6:27:36 PM
Reply

LOL! Most awesome article I've ever read!

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

frostface
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 7:51:13 PM
Reply

By the time DNF comes out, Mackid will get that DNF does not only mean Duke Nukem Forever but can also mean Did Not Finish and that GT5 just means Gran Turismo 5. lol

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Kai200X
Saturday, September 04, 2010 @ 11:47:59 PM
Reply

At first I thought DNF stands for Did Not Finish, and then I realized it actually meant Duke Nukem Forever. haahah

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Knightedrik
Sunday, September 05, 2010 @ 5:16:02 AM
Reply

10 bucks says it sucks, and that they just released it cause they know everyone will buy it.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Knightedrik
Sunday, September 05, 2010 @ 5:19:27 AM

I still have hope though. lol.

Agree with this comment 1 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Nlayer
Monday, September 06, 2010 @ 8:41:08 PM
Reply

It's almost like buying it means you own a piece of VideoGame history. I'm one of those guys who will buy it even if it's the worst game to ever come out. Haha. Call me stupid for doing so, but I really want to own a copy of this game!

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

556pineapple
Monday, September 06, 2010 @ 11:35:46 PM
Reply

This makes me smile. Thanks!

Agree with this comment 0 up, 0 down Disagree with this comment

Leave a Comment

Please login or register to leave a comment.

Our Poll

Got Madden NFL 25?
Yes, and it's great!
Yeah, but I'm a little disappointed.
No, but I plan to get it soon.
...they still make sports games?

Previous Poll Results