5 Reasons Why You Wouldn't Want Juliet Starling For A Girlfriend

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It's a game that doesn't take itself seriously for even one second, and for that, we must pay comical homage.

So few games aspire to such over-the-top cheesiness these days, which is why we're hoping some of you out there will give Lollipop Chainsaw a shot. However, don't get too enamored with the buxom heroine, Juliet Starling. On the surface, having the hot blonde cheerleader as your girlfriend seems like a damn good idea, but really...it isn't.

And in the spirit of the game in question, we have a laugh and tell you why to avoid this curvy temptress.

5. Weird baggage

Juliet broke up with her boyfriend, Nick, to be with you. But that poses problems. Nick is just a severed head now but even though he can't chase you, he has spent quite a few hours bouncing off Juliet's shapely rear. So he knows what he's missing, he knows what he can't have (for obvious reasons), and he's in a rage that you can have it...and give it to her, too. So he's coming. He'll get the help of every demon from hell if necessary, but he's coming to chew your face off.

4. Cheerleaders are sickeningly perky in the morning

We don't know why, but they are. It's not like they have to start cheering at the crack of dawn and yet, they're still chirpy and smiley and that gets irritating. Every single morning, she'll be bouncing around the bedroom like a pogo stick, tossing eight gajillion ideas at your head, which will soon explode from lack of sleep (well, she was there last night, wasn't she?) and a constant bombardment of, "So, what should we do today, baby?"

3. Her family might think it's funny to kill you

If you thought Nick was your biggest problem, think again. Juliet's entire family is pretty freakin' scary and if you hurt one of 'em, they'll undoubtedly hurt you. At that point, you'll probably just pray for Cordelia's rifle because that would be the least painful...you already know Juliet's weapon of choice and that won't be pleasant. Even when things are going well, you'll just never be comfortable around her family. They're so crazy they might just think it's good clean sport to turn you into the fox and set you loose...yeah, here come the hounds.

2. That much violence warps a mind...sadomasochism, anyone?

This chick has seen the nastiest sh** on the planet and worse, she seems to get off on it. There's a serious twist to that mind and you'll probably find out the hard way. It might start out all romantic and warm and fuzzy, but when you least expect it, out come the handcuffs, whips, and various instruments that she probably stole from some medieval torture museum. Oh sure, it's hot to have a woman dominate you when it's still safe and sexy, but Juliet could push it too far and when you're dead, she'll just shrug her shoulders and find another lab subject.

1. Rather than sucking lollipops, she seems to bite them...

'crosses legs'

Related Game(s): Lollipop Chainsaw

Tags: lollipop chainsaw, juliet starling, gamers, gaming culture

6/12/2012 9:13:28 PM Ben Dutka

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