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5 Reasons Why You Wouldn't Want Juliet Starling For A Girlfriend

It's a game that doesn't take itself seriously for even one second, and for that, we must pay comical homage.

So few games aspire to such over-the-top cheesiness these days, which is why we're hoping some of you out there will give Lollipop Chainsaw a shot. However, don't get too enamored with the buxom heroine, Juliet Starling. On the surface, having the hot blonde cheerleader as your girlfriend seems like a damn good idea, but really...it isn't.

And in the spirit of the game in question, we have a laugh and tell you why to avoid this curvy temptress.

5. Weird baggage

Juliet broke up with her boyfriend, Nick, to be with you. But that poses problems. Nick is just a severed head now but even though he can't chase you, he has spent quite a few hours bouncing off Juliet's shapely rear. So he knows what he's missing, he knows what he can't have (for obvious reasons), and he's in a rage that you can have it...and give it to her, too. So he's coming. He'll get the help of every demon from hell if necessary, but he's coming to chew your face off.

4. Cheerleaders are sickeningly perky in the morning

We don't know why, but they are. It's not like they have to start cheering at the crack of dawn and yet, they're still chirpy and smiley and that gets irritating. Every single morning, she'll be bouncing around the bedroom like a pogo stick, tossing eight gajillion ideas at your head, which will soon explode from lack of sleep (well, she was there last night, wasn't she?) and a constant bombardment of, "So, what should we do today, baby?"

3. Her family might think it's funny to kill you

If you thought Nick was your biggest problem, think again. Juliet's entire family is pretty freakin' scary and if you hurt one of 'em, they'll undoubtedly hurt you. At that point, you'll probably just pray for Cordelia's rifle because that would be the least painful...you already know Juliet's weapon of choice and that won't be pleasant. Even when things are going well, you'll just never be comfortable around her family. They're so crazy they might just think it's good clean sport to turn you into the fox and set you loose...yeah, here come the hounds.

2. That much violence warps a mind...sadomasochism, anyone?

This chick has seen the nastiest sh** on the planet and worse, she seems to get off on it. There's a serious twist to that mind and you'll probably find out the hard way. It might start out all romantic and warm and fuzzy, but when you least expect it, out come the handcuffs, whips, and various instruments that she probably stole from some medieval torture museum. Oh sure, it's hot to have a woman dominate you when it's still safe and sexy, but Juliet could push it too far and when you're dead, she'll just shrug her shoulders and find another lab subject.

1. Rather than sucking lollipops, she seems to bite them...

'crosses legs'

Related Game(s): Lollipop Chainsaw

Tags: lollipop chainsaw, juliet starling, gamers, gaming culture

6/12/2012 9:13:28 PM Ben Dutka

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Comments (19 posts)

Riku994
Tuesday, June 12, 2012 @ 9:59:10 PM
Reply

I like number 1 XD

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CH1N00K
Tuesday, June 12, 2012 @ 10:22:27 PM
Reply

Wow, she sounds very similar to a red head I dated once...lol..Thankfully I escaped all intact...

Last edited by CH1N00K on 6/12/2012 10:23:46 PM

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BikerSaint
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 5:59:43 PM

Canada huh?
I was wondering where my ex ran off to.

Damn, and here this whole time I thought she was just trying to find herself on planet URanus!!!!

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Dancemachine55
Tuesday, June 12, 2012 @ 11:21:37 PM
Reply

Doesn't sound like she's into video games either. Just chainsaws and killing zombies, and cheerleading and lollipops.

Sorry Juliet, not interested. :)

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WorldEndsWithMe
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 12:16:33 AM
Reply

The problem with competing with Nick though is he's just a head, so you can imagine what he would be doing for her all night.

I've been playing for just a bit now and I have to admit this is the most pure grinning kid-like fun I've had with a game in a long time :)

Last edited by WorldEndsWithMe on 6/13/2012 12:17:42 AM

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Ludicrous_Liam
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 5:44:37 AM

"The problem with competing with Nick though is he's just a head, so you can imagine what he would be doing for her all night."

Err, licking her...face?

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Lawless SXE
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 6:12:39 AM

As a disembodied head, I reckon it'd be pretty hard to keep from rolling off in all sorts of directions. Just sayin' it's not exactly a hands-free endeavour for Juliet...

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sirbob6
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 8:37:46 AM

Hmmmmm, am I the only one thinking of a certain Re-Animator scene?

Last edited by sirbob6 on 6/13/2012 8:40:14 AM

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WorldEndsWithMe
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 1:27:59 PM

lol I had forgotten about that, Re-animator is classic.

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Dreno
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 12:23:40 AM
Reply

I wanna try this game.
And in response to a few of the things listed ;
5 - I don't live in Miami so I don't gotta worry about my face being gnawed on.
4 - they are perky in the morning, that means a large amount of energy, funny you should mention a Pogo stick though...I was thinking something similar...
1- a little bit of teeth is nice

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NiteKrawler
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 2:10:22 AM
Reply

Number 4. Gamers making negative stereotypes about cheerleaders? lol.

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Advent Child
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 2:13:26 AM
Reply

1. Rather than sucking lollipops, she seems to bite them...

'crosses legs'

Oh man I almost died laughing when I read that. Nice article!

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Lawless SXE
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 6:07:35 AM

*blinks*

Where did you spring from and why haven't I seen you about in the last goodness knows how long. Also, welcome back!

Last edited by Lawless SXE on 6/13/2012 6:09:58 AM

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frostface
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 5:10:33 AM
Reply

Fun list. Still though, I'd take a chance with her.

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daus26
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 5:46:12 AM
Reply

*Crosses legs? With that chainsaw, you better do more than just crossing your legs!

I prefer the innocent type ones anyway, lol.

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BikerSaint
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 6:02:36 PM

Loraina Bobbitt, with a chainsaw

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Lawless SXE
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 6:20:52 AM
Reply

How is it that, of all of them, it is only number four that really bothers me. Something about people bouncing off walls in an obscenely happy fashion just makes me hate them instantly. *insert anecdote about one of the most recent additions to our workforce. Ugh, 'nuff said* Not just in the mornings either. Maybe that's why I've never fantasised about a cheerleader. Or maybe its just 'cause they're not really a part of our culture down here...

Oh, and number one is a bit disconcerting too. Be one hell of a way to one-up your mates when comparing conquests though...

Last edited by Lawless SXE on 6/13/2012 6:21:44 AM

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WorldEndsWithMe
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 1:29:50 PM

Seriously dude, that makes me an angry panda too. There was this one girl who was constantly poking me... ugh.

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Stabs88
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 @ 6:50:06 AM
Reply

hahahaha I liked that.

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